Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]
Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him.
"What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well.
"And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time," replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door.
100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life."
Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life."
Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"
They're really making headlines!
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
You call them antisemantic!
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Because it had a stable economy.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
then it is on the right foot
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
Schwepped her off her feet…
With a pumpkin patch!
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
In a croc pot.
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Anyone can mash potatoes…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
I don't want to comb placate things.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”
…but really, watashi no?
The doctor says it’s terminal
Orange is the new black.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Until they buried yo momma.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
It means a lot.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Is this stool taken?