Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”
“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!”
The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”
“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!”
So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!”
So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?”
“WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?”
“Well…” Says guy three…
“You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging