Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish.
First guy: I wish I was off this island!
POOF! The guy disappears.
Second guy: I wish I was off this island!
POOF! The guy disappears.
Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back.
POOF! The other two re-appear!
Edit: Spelling
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?” Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that?’, he asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.