Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Lol “mental health”
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
This one’s an absolute zero
De-platform Drunk Uncle…
I invented a new word
Cool math games
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
Event was announced 2 days prior
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
This is America.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
I guess he should have worn board shorts.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
hosting & vmware
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
Found this one on Facebook! Am I doing this right?
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
I was really bored in Chemistry.
Video posted in comments
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
Was playing red dead 2 and found this on a frozen lake.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
this is definitely me
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
Wife gives headache
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
It’s on this list of things I want to do
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
War good technology bad
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
But, but, but her emails..
What do you call the wooden Batman?
CERN is having for sure
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Because the bathroom is too much of a hassle.
Leukocytes niqqa penis
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
It really hurts!!
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
Who wants to do the “corona dance”?
Hi, my guy
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don’t
It's a trap.
An easy job
Alexa play despacito
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
We’re running out of time