Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.
The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist.
The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist.
The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?"
The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…