Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe…
The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind.
Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed.
In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it… I saw Man C coming back with pineapples."
Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper….
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…
When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Faggot."
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.