Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.
The second nurse does the same.
The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.
Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead.
The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
But most have 4
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
There wasn’t mushroom
He tractor down.
It was a waist of money
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
Well, it's not hard.
But it’s not hard.
So he rounded them up.
They say the business is toast.
A witch is waiting for me at home
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
With an ithberg
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
Wait until you sea mine
Looking at it now, I see why.
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He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
A garbage truck.
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
But that was so yesterday
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…