Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.
The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.
All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead.
The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe to buy from me…maybe to be sold
Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe to buy from me…maybe to be sold
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”