Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half.
The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces.
The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Hey guys, I’m an engineering student and I just started designing these shirts and hoodies, if you like them, be welcome to support :)
—-bit.ly/2QoVGKQhttps://preview.redd.it/ppq3lobru1741.jpg?width=1362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b256e5f8360d8f7ec63a0bc9b56ab2e365e5e7chttps://preview.redd.it/w0wsid5wu1741.png?width=474&format=png&auto=webp&s=17eb294daf907213e086eb9862538d198b622e97https://preview.redd.it/mphne05uu1741.png?width=463&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f35493f4e735d87e0bb4b3fae6a944978be5fb
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.