Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest.
"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that mansion over there?"
"Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."
"Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."
The second brother to go is the oldest.
"Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.
Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
"You see that village over there?"
"Yeah?" They said.
"Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."
"Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."
He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph.
In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that giant tree over there?"
"Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
does he get high or medium?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
They both wiggle when you eat them.
They're under a buck.
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
Turns out I came early.
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
Because every play has a cast
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
She looked surprised.
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.
They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
No text found
I said, “You are just staggering.”
I said its Narnia buisness
There would be mass confusion.
Two loading animations!
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
One. They are efficient and not very funny
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
In the end I had to call it a day..