Threw Up in the Toilet
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
We’re in Trouble
The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work. There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. Leaving 14.8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. Which leaves 12 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
![[OC] Guess The Pun #47 – Suffix to say… (x-post from r/puns)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-1-400x247.png)
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
