Through the discerning eyes of a hat
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stoker’s Dracula
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stoker’s Dracula
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.