Throwback Thursday
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.