ThUg LifE
When is a mom joke clearly a dad joke?
When It's trans-parent.
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
Told my friend I wanted a cup of coffee.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
I wasn’t sure if I liked my beard…
But it’s growing on me.
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends…
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday
This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny". The boy is super excited and rides it over to his girlfriends house to have dinner with her parents for the first time as a celebration for his birthday. Before they walk in the house, the girlfriend says to him, "Just so you know, my family plays this game where we don't speak during dinner, and if anyone speaks, they have to do the dishes." The boy thinks its a weird game but doesn't put too much thought into it. They walk in the house and as they go to the dining room he sees a massive pile of dirty dishes stacked up in the sink. It looked as if no one had done them in weeks! So they sit down with her parents, and the boy decides he wants to see how much he can mess with them. The boy stands up, walks up to his girlfriend, rips off her pants, and starts banging her in front of her parents. The mother and father both look shocked and the girlfriend looks furious, but no one says a word. So next the boy goes up to his girlfriend's mother, rips her clothes off, and starts banging her! At this point there are fumes coming out of the dad's ears and the girlfriend starts to throw up, but none of them say a word. The boy realizes that his plan didn't break any of them and starts walking back to his chair to eat. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that it is beginning to rain outside. So he stops walking to his chair, and pulls out the jar of vaseline from his jacket, and the dad jumps up from his seat and yells "FINE, ILL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral