TIL actor Robert Pattinson dealt with an obsessed fan who had been camping outside his apartment by taking her out on a dinner date. “I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back.”
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
