TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
Literally (Idk if this has been already posted here)
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
But the emote is different you know
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
Negative Absolute Value?
seems like it
Healthy choices bad!
Be a pro
A man goes on a business trip
Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter. The old man said "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…." and he stoped. "Except what?" The man asked. "Nothing, Nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'." The old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbles, and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The buissness man laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in this shop. "But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. H pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, and started split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!" The voodoo dick stoped, floted back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" Said the business man. The old man said it was not for sale, but finally suurendred ut for 700 dollers in cash. Plesed as punch, the business man gave his wife the gift, explaned that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip. After a few days, the wife got unbereably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatilvely, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her croch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure. After 3 orgasms, she decided she had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, trusting away. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Desprate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with exitement and exhaustion. On the way, another orgasom nearly made her swerve of the road., and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license. Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink. Twiching and sweting, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking, officer. A voodoo dildo is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!" "Sure, lady," said the officer after another long look at her. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Grandparents just shared this on Facebook
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
Listen, it ain’t rocket appliances
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
AI becomes too real
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
“What’s the most american thing” asked and answered on the front page
English Fail in Programming
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
Something something bootstraps
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
Companies after NordVpn got hacked..
Domestic abuse against men is funny!
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
Oh no not my precious!
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
Much sad, a little funny
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
God woks in mysterious ways!
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
Dictatorship, here we come!
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
When you’re reading papers during the quarantine…
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.