TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Umm I don’t give a fuck
Umm I don’t give a fuck
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
![[Video] The Unemployed Software Developer](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-192-400x247.png)
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
I can speak time
It's my second language
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"