TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
My wife told me vacation sex was the best…
Worst postcard ever.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
