Time consuming
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
You should always knock before opening the fridge..
Just in case there is a Salad Dressing
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
nothing tops a plain pizza
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18