Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal — if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol… ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
Did you miss the IOKIYAR Amendment to the Constitution? It’s OK, If You’re A Republican.
https://ift.tt/37frKs1
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver?
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…