Time for my favorite season.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
A man accidentally elbows a woman’s boob
as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.