Time for you to become famous on MournHub caw caw
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
Dad, I can’t sleep.
dad: "Why not?" kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?" dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!" kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"