… on the other hand, I'm okay.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh…yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
You just have to have a feel for it.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
but it was actually just 'some bees'
Because it's too cold out-Tide
…. Thats the whole joke
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.” Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him. Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.” Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him. Peter: “ Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.” Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him. Peter: “ Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity. As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: “Mikey, what’s up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!” Mike answers: “g-guys… I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.
We will be telling them tonight.
But I don't want to spread it.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
No text found
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
But this is as close as I could get
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Anna one, Anna two I'm sorry…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
They prefer cooked men