time to sleep
I am reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it…
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends