Tire inflating blows.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat
'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher 'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy 'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher 'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
For the golfers with good taste in memes
For the golfers with good taste in memes
Why won’t the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon