Tis some boomer shit
Your pupils. They dilate.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
No text found
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
…but it’s harder to deter gents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
But when i do, he usually laughs
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I hope you’re happy now.
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
It's better to use your fingers
He felt his presents.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
For Hispanic attacks
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
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