‘Tis the season
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later