Tis the season
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
I’m a faux pa
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
