Titels are hard
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light Blue
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…