its pasture bed time
I put the wrong socks on this morning
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
Because she's really Sheik.
It's a step-by-step guide.
Just to get high
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
The elephant of surprise.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Elongate would be really drawn out.
especially when I went for seconds
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.