To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
