To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
For nearly a year I have been investing heavily in stocks
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
