To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
They get really annoyed
Tastes like ass.
But later on they grew on me
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Make me one with everything.
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
Now it's an Edison
Now it's just a waist of space.
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
“Yours is one what?”
Because he wasn't born yesterday
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
But I've never had any beef with them.
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
They’re a little meteor.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
He got off with a suspension.
With a pumpkin patch!
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"