My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
![[Meme] U$MLE giving up their money maker for the next 12-18 months](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ui6m0lx6s7151-400x393.jpg)
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
