To be or not to be… (found this in my english book)
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
Because theyre not self-centered.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Me: Technically I can’t.
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
One, we are very efficient and not funny
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
I said “Is that a fret”
Tell him Obama put it in…
I woke up exhausted.
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
My to doo list
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.