To be or not to be… (found this in my english book)
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.