To bee, or not to bee, that is the question
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
A joke without a punchline is like
No text found
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
Pulled on a door that required a push,
should have handled that better.
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
