To keep things in perspective…
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
Just gonna leave this one here for the Christian Zionists
Go Sickle Mode
At least most of us can’t afford any kind of testing or treatment….
umm…Lewis, are you alright?
Sent to me by my sweet old Mother.
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
Wife and health BAD!
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
The Best People.
real life code injection
Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)” Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.
I always do that..
When Trump, as a 2nd gen immigrant, talks about the problem of immigration
Goku schooling his opponent with Newton’s 2nd law
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Social media bad
Found this at my job today
It’s all going according to plan
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
Won’t someone think about those poor billionares!
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don’t
It's a trap.
I feel bad but it’s genuine
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
Donald’s been holding a grudge since that eagle nearly pecked his eyes out.
*boomer brain detonates*
I don’t trust you
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks. The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad." The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!" The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?" The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
A true story
Thought I was the only one waiting for this moment…
One day, a wife came home early.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Funny how that worked out.
Wife bad, sport good
Does this belong here?
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
That’s a no to the date request!
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
Lose yourself in a fantasy
Not So Happy Ending..
It’s expensive only when it benefits the poor and working class.
Protest sign in Australia
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says ‘mum I’ve just peed out a bullet’ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says ‘mum you’ll never guess what’ which she replies with ‘let me guess you peed out a bullet’ which he replies with ‘no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog’.
Stop it bro!!!
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
So apparently this is the most productive thing I did in chemistry today
Aka a republican success story.
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
Teddy Roosevelt’s GOP was Conservation Minded
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
Know your menu (buttons)
pythons learning python
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.