to make America great again
"You have been kicked due to inactivity."
You console it.
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
It's sweeping the nation
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
I woke up exhausted.
There, they’re, their.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
I will find you. I have contacts.
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I gave him a glass of water.
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
That's how I contracted it.
Just to get high
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Because you can't C in the dark
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
We’ll see about that…
A: Because he's married.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
It really came out of the purple.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.