To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
The man who has invented predictive text has died.
His funfair is next monkey. May he rust in piss.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
A cheese factory exploded in France.
All that was left was de Brie.
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.
God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand." Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left." Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”