To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
Sperm count
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!! " The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”