To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.
Then he fired me.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
How does Darth Vader like his steaks?
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed…
The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks: “Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?” “I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.” So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while… “Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry… I’ll be back.” Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal. “I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.” “Oh really? I wanna get some too.” So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him. “Hi monkey!” The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief: “Woooo… damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?