To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight
He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session. He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck. "If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass." The fat guy starts to chase the woman around the court. Unfortunately for him, the woman is too athletic and he cannot catch up to her. After an exhausting hour, he finally gives up. He heads home and discovers that he has lost 5 pounds. The next day, the fat guy decides to try again. This time, instead of one woman in the basketball court, it is 2 naked women. They both have to same sign around their necks. "if you catch us, you can fuck us in the ass." The fat guy again chases them around for 1 hour without success. At least he has lost another 5 pounds of weight. Seeing how effective the sessions are, the fat guy decides to book a premium session. The next day, he is taken to the basketball court again. This time, there are no women. Instead, there are 10 naked men with signs around their necks. "If we catch you, we get to fuck you in the ass."
The ultimate Dad Joke – Bulgarian Train Man
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.