To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Pink Panther’s to do list
To do To do To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
What does a house wear?
Address
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large