To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
Hope this reaches my target audience
Hope this reaches my target audience
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t bulid a car from spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."