To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.