To write a book
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
So my name is William
And my soccer coach in 7th grade asks me: Do you they call you Will or Bill? Me: They call me both. Coach: Okay, Both, nice to meet you. I'm 42 years old, and that man's son still calls me "Both" to this day.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game