Toasty.
Thatâs a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.
Because I'm Canadian.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests todayâŚ
⌠I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
Whatâs a pirateâs favorite letter?
You would think âR,â but itâs actually the âC.â
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think Iâm being stalked.
ââI pââroposed tââo mâây eââx-wife tââoday
She sââaid nââo, sââhe tââhinks Iââ'm jââust aââfter mâây mââoney.
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
I stole my ex girlfriendâs wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.