Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
What’s red and bad for you’re teeth?
A Brick.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
I just quit my job at the Helium plant
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
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My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
I went in my son’s room today and told him he was adopted. He said “I knew it, who are my parents?”
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"