Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Turns out I came early.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
…it's about time.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
They can't keep a straight face
Because he was feeling crumby.
kinda like yo mamma.
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
You make a flowchart
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
No text found
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
You have my word
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
That way it will never come for me
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."