Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Posted on r/memes
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
Is this right?
We used to at least agree on reality….
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
Got this one texted from my father today
Not my job…
I find the decision rather obvious …
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Chrome on its own is almost enough lol
she had every matching lid 😥
Future ex-Republicans, welcome
Technically not false
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
The ‘T’ stands for ‘Terrifying’
Our bone spurious potus didn’t give a tinker’s blink
Is this the society we live in?
Monday morning mini-stroke
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this whenever I type std
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
the only thing more satisfying is having glucose in stock
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
A book falls on Sean Connery’s head
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
What my mum sent me…
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.
But it still has potential.
Sign of the times
Relevant then, relevant now!
Why do I always need to manually configure my PATH plugins…
That about sums it up.
I’m proud to say after a lot of work, I am compiling with 0 warnings!!
*laughs in sith lord*
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out
might have to start paying in algae bucks
Now this is some GUI level threat!!
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
Grandparents just shared this on Facebook
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
It ain’t twice as nice
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
“I’m a beast”
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
Water Meme related to Science.
Tabs vs Spaces
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
Someone is not happy.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
What does a house wear
One can only hope..
Be like docker!
We need them back