Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."