Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Its like I had never seen herbivore
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I told him that was a blanket statement.
Cos it's a sin.
A grand entrance
antibiotics will never go viral.
But, it’s snot
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end." The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead." Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket." When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
I haven't touched it in years.
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
We're telling them tomorrow.
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
But don't worry, it was B9.
I was afraid of that.
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
I mean, how low can you go?
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Buy the DLC to find out
I'm thinking of looking into one.
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
But smoking bacon will cure it.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Dad out.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Guardians of the Galaxy
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
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