Today at West Point
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
On which side do chickens have the most feathers…
The outside.
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
βAye, mateyβ
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
Youβll all be seeing 2020
My Grandad always said, βAs one door closes, another one opens.β
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to heβll
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: βA dove should not be friends with a donkey.β βThen I shall fly onβ the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: βYouβre walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?β βThe gold.β βI donβt agree. I would choose cleverness, because thatβs more important than money.β βEveryone would choose what they donβt haveβ says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes βassβ on the studentβs paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: βExcuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!β
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you canβt run.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
People who canβt stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Whatβs the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts βMickey Mouse!β This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agentβs supervisor takes him aside and asks, βWhat in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?β Blushing, the agent replies, βI got nervous. I meant to shout…… βDonald duck.β
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14: