It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two I'm sorry…
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Looks like October is…. Octover
No text found
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep