Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
But then it grew on me
It's like luck, but with more force.
He’s not looking so good.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
Woke up exhausted.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
…it made a bolt for the door.
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
I think it’s the Chopin board.
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
Sometimes he laughs … :/
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
When the big hand touches the little hand.
I've heard there is 8 stories.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Like it was yesterday.
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
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It improved my outlook.
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
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But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
I told her, “Just you wait.”